TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be large. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from put. Designed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have One more position where by American Guys can use robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: offer Absolutely everyone a suite around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle electricity," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he need to prevent employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from Room, a feature remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after acquiring the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not only unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Baffling Attributes


Probably the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which guests might contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with climate Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "exactly where's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even involve:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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